Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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