Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
