I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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