i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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