Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
