My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
