Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
