why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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