Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
