Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
