i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
