he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
