just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
