I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
