I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
