New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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