one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
