sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
