Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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