I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
