...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
