Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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