Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
