i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
