you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
