i need an iv and a liver transplant
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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