he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
