Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I wear drunk well.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
