I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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