Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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