david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
