Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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