Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
