Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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