Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
