so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
