i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
