If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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