I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
