the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The Olympian is in my bed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
