The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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