I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
