I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
