Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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