watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You ruined the universe
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
