Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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