I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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