My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
