haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
