You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Randomize
