last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
