My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
