Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
