Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
