plz talk dirty to me
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
