Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
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Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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