capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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