1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
