Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
