Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
