i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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