I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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