I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
A bitchslap is in order.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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